


Soft and wild

by LuciaBane



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Season 2, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15375753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuciaBane/pseuds/LuciaBane
Summary: She never thought that something or someone would bring a change in her life, but she had no doubt that Dean Winchester would change her forever. She is a hunter and her past is full of shadows that she can't escape.This is the translation of my own fanfiction from Hungarian. Originally posted on Merengő, under the same username.





	Soft and wild

**Author's Note:**

> The quotes are from Skillet's song: Each Other

We only met one time except this when we weren’t little kids. We saw each other once, we talked as adults once in our life. I thought that was it, that was all of it. One little flirt with a handsome stranger-friend, few stolen glances, the faint memory of our silly, childhood fights. A playful bickering, a short conversation and nothing more than a few, strange moments. It seemed to be special, something that cannot be repeated. I didn’t expect that the chance or the fate can bring us to meet again. It would be too beautiful yet so endlessly horrible, because I believed it couldn’t last long. I was sure it couldn’t. Back then, I didn’t know that everything will happen this way. I wouldn’t even have played with the possibility, if I hadn’t heard that silent half sentence about us. 

I am yours; you are mine  
Believe in you, friend of mine 

Months passed after that day, but I couldn’t get out those thoughts of my head. It was too surprising, too thrilling. Anyhow, it didn’t let me bury myself in my well-structured, carefully planned, precise and constant life. It marked my thoughts deep and unforgettable. It didn’t let me rest, there were no days when it didn’t come into my mind. I tried to do my work the same monotonous, simple way I used to: search for cases, travel America, help Bobby or anyone who asked him for help but I were closer to them. Even though in the most part of the time I roamed the states as a lone wolf. I used to the independence a long time ago or rather that I hadn’t really had anyone to worry about except my stepfather. At fourteen, confused, mourn the person closest to me, blaming myself for what happened, I inevitably started to hold on the man. I didn’t regret it, I couldn’t regret it.

This time I made my way to the city of Savannah. I found a couple articles about a few strange and corresponding death. After a little research I found out that these weren’t the first cases. I was not entirely sure that these were supernatural, but I thought it to be highly unlikely that they weren’t. After a couple of ours drive, I arrived at the city, I quickly rent a room, changed into some more appropriate outfit and I left for the house of the latest victim. 

The door was opened by a red-haired woman dressed in entirely black. She looked a little bit strange at me so I started my talk as soon as possible. I was used to these plays, I had many opportunity and time to practise, even though I didn’t really like it and it wasn’t my favourite possibility to investigate. I started to enjoy it. Well, it could be better said that way that it become so deeply the part of my life I couldn’t imagine my average days without it.  
“Good afternoon, I’m Agent Swan from FBI. You must have been the wife of the deceased.” I said holding up the badge from my belt. I absently stroked a fold on my blazer with my other hand, I had no time neither mood to iron it. A couple of crinkles appeared on her forehead and she tilted her head sideways looking at me. “Your colleagues were here not long ago, it was not even an hour” she said slightly mistrustfully. Damn it! I had to think about something fast to snap out myself from this situation.  
“Yes, this is a strange case even for use, two heads are better than one” I said somewhat drily. “If it’s not a problem I would like to hear what you know about a story, and if you would be so kind to describe me the agents who were here I would be really grateful. They did not inform be correctly and I would like to contact them. I was curious who found this case interesting beside me. There was no chance that they were real FBI agent. For heaven’s sake, real FBI never cares about these things. Who knows what would happen if they did. For my second question, from the description I recognized the Winchester brothers. This surprised me a little and I could hardly contain my sudden excitement. In the end, I managed to stay calm. It was a fairly big coincidence that they were the ones who choose the same case for a hunt. It was surprising and a little painful because for a brief second, I didn’t know it was a good idea to search them or not. Although, I didn’t want to avoid that encounter.  
“Thank you” I said looking at her. “I know it’s hard but could you tell me the details about what happened as you told them”  
“Alright” The women nodded sadly. “I was out with couple of my friends and we stayed later then I thought we would, so I arrived home later. Roger… Roger was home alone because he didn’t feel well. I believe it was around eleven in the night when I headed home. I called him, but he didn’t answer. I thought he felt asleep so I did not give a big fuss about it. When I arrived home, everything was closed. Well, it is natural, I thought I he gone to bed.” Her words started to slur because of her tears. A pressed my lips together, I didn’t like to watch someone in pain. It was easier then used to be, but it was just easier to bear. I patiently waited for her to continue. “When I noticed that our bedroom was closed… I started to find it strange. I knocked, I asked him to open, but nothing. When… I finally. managed to open the door… He lied on the ground and there was so much blood… blood everywhere and…” After that I didn’t understand all her words. If I assumed right she said that there were parallel cuts on his arms and he simple bled out. The police thought it was suicide but they didn’t find the fatal device. I fell out of my role for a second and touched her shoulder after what she started to cry harder. I patted her shoulder clumsily, I was never good at comforting strangers.  
“Sorry.” The women sniffled, she took a step back and dried her eyes.  
“Thank you for the information and my condolences.” I looked at her and nodded at her. After that turned back and hurried away. I rubbed my arm, it was so long that I connected with people and it was noticeable on me. Even though I really wanted to feel someone, to talk with someone. 

“Are you working on the Carter-case?” I heard an awfully chirped voice behind me. It belonged to a tall, middle-aged woman beside who I felt myself so small in every possible way. Her glance and the fact the she was much taller than me made me feel uncomfortable.  
“Good afternoon. I’m Judie Noel.” She started to talk as soon as she arrived at my side. “Poor woman, losing her little boy and then her husband.” pitied looking back at the door of Mrs. Carter.  
“Agent Swan” I informed her slightly shaking my head and pointing at my fake badge. I looked at her raising one of my eyebrows. “We didn’t know about this circumstance” I looked at her trying to be as formal as I could. “When does it happen? How?” – I asked. This was a fairly strange, though not so much surprising turn of events. Something similar were present in the stories of the other victims, too.  
“It was maybe a year ago? The husband was alone with the child. To tell the truth nobody really knows what happened for real, it could be an accident or not.” She explained and she shrugged. “Anyway, I don’t anything else and I have to go.” She smiled slightly at me and then left. I looked after her slightly confused. If I were a simple cop, working with different possibilities she would be one of the suspects. But I knew this case was certainly my job and this woman was just a snob and pompous person.

A took of my blazer, and held it in my hand as I walked back to the motel. There were strange feelings in my heart: fear and desire at the same time, some strange terror and dreadful need. But it was not related to the case, it was about something I wished and feared to be true at the very same time. 

Arriving back was refreshing. I was really happy that I could take of the blazer because I hated the what I felt in it. I despised the lie that came with it. I sat in front of my laptop in a blue shirt and jeans, it felt much better. I wanted to check whether my information’s were correct. After a few click I found the article about the little boy’s death. It was terrible, he was only five. I pitied them, it was so sad, but it couldn’t touch me deeply. I would be even less sane then I was if everything would affect me personally. After a good hour of search and a few unsuccessful broke in the data base of the local police – I had to admit I was not the best hacker – I found a few new interesting facts. In every case I found there were a dead person in the past of the victim and sometimes they were even suspected with the murder of a child, a spouse, a brother. It was some really fascinating correspondence.

You're not fading in my eyes  
Could you stay? Could you stay? 

I stretched my stiffened limbs like a cat and closed my laptop. It was the time to go out a little. I saw a small pub in the city and I found possible that I could find the Winchester boys there. When I arrived, there were noone interesting in the building. I ordered a beer, even though it’s not the most feminine drink I have never drank stronger when I was working, sitting down at the bar. The barman smirked at me but I only lift one of my eyebrows and shake my head. No, we weren’t playing that way. It’s not that it has never happened that I ended up with a one-night stand, but didn’t have the mood for him. I felt too many thing and I could not thing anything else. It was less than a half hour later when the Winchester boys arrived as I expected. I held my glass of beer up and nodded towards them. They looked at me confused for a couple of second, but Dean eventually recognised me. He grinned at me playfully, but his face quickly saddened. Seeing that my smile disappeared too, the pain on his face reminded me something too familiar. At last Sam realized who I am. A smiled at the when they walked towards me. Our last days together was awfully long ago. 

It took less than five minutes for us to sit down in an out-of-the-way part of the bar.  
“We managed to choose the same case” Sam murmured in slight disbelief. Well, it could have been a coincidence too, but it’s not like I came here by mere chance. I didn’t go to a place without any reason, maybe only to my we-could-say-permanent apartment in New Lenox or at Bobby’s, but it happened at less and less occasions. I ran away from the possibility of being in close relationship with someone. I ran away from the pain of losing someone I love. I shook my head to get those thought out of my mind and rather paid my attention at the boys.  
“What did you get to know?” Dean asked. I quickly explained what I heard. Although mostly through my speech they only nodded, showing they already knew that, but the case with the death of the little kid was new for them.  
“We visited the other victim’s boyfriend.” Sam explained. “He was at home when the girl died. He saw a woman dressed in red with the same scars. The only problem is there were a good half dozen woman who committed suicide at that time period.  
“Where did you rent a room?” Dean asked don’t paying attention to his brother. It was the same tone as that quick chat months ago, like we would continue that without any interruption. It was the same tone, but it wasn’t. There was a change what I couldn’t fully grasp. I saw some pain in his eyes, horribly like my own.  
“Dean!” Sam hissed slightly annoyed at his brother.  
“In the Blue Swan Motel, couple of corners from here.” I whispered my answer leaning towards to older Winchester. I wanted to behave well, but somehow, I had to do things like this. In times like these my sassier self came out, I knew this even as a little girl that this is Dean’s effect on me. This time the younger brother looked with cutting glance at me. Dean winked at me stealing a glance, but he looked back away fast. Sam cleared his throat to get our attention at him.  
“To go on, there was that woman whose son drowned in the bathtub.” He added warily. I believe he would be more comfortable talking about this alone. Even though no one payed attention toward us, I agreed with him.  
“Tomorrow we could check if this is right, I believe, you’ll join to us.” guessed Sam. I shrugged than nodded. I think so. I wanted to work with them since I was a little girl, but there was no possibility for it until now. 

We must hold onto our faith in each other  
We must let go of our pain, yeah, I say 

I wasn’t used to working in teams, I didn’t have many company in the last six years. Therefore, it was special and fantastic experience just to investigate with them. I so easily could use to it and this was way I had a kick against to get even a little invested in this. I could never lose this weird, but sweet feeling. I leaned on the wall and pulled my legs up on the bench. I watched the flashing neon lights of the motel sign and the shadows on the other wall. I have always felt so alone when I didn’t see the small lights of the night. I looked at the sky without visible stars. I felt some hopelessness, like we could not believe in anything, but I wanted to believe, I wanted to believe so badly.  
“Hey” I heard his deep voice behind me and a good type of shiver run through my back. “As I see, it’s not only me who couldn’t sleep.”  
Dean walked here and sat beside me. He gave one of the plastic glasses to me. I suspected he saw me earlier. How cunning! Or maybe he just wanted to talk someone about the pain harrowing his heart. Maybe both.  
“Tea, with a little whisky” He assured me after I only held the drink. I smelled it and smiled at him amused. Little, for sure. I would rather say whisky and some tea. I saw from the corner of my eye that he was smiling too. He must have noticed my expression.  
“Thanks” I grinned at him before I drank a little. The strength of the alcohol and the unique taste of the fruit-tea made some special harmony that I didn’t know I desired, but I defiantly needed. I glanced at Dean again, there was that sad smile on his face what made him look even more handsome… Wait, stop there! Why I was thinking like that? I have never, never thought about these, I have not been a truly emotional person for years. When I was someone like that… that was long ago. Something warm run through my body, it was not only desire, but it wasn’t the Feeling either. It was something in between. Some incomprehensible sentiment from the deepest part off my soul washed over me as I looked at him. 

When he sighed painfully, I turned toward him with my whole body. He seemed to be so vulnerable something like I felt myself on my bad days. Yet seeing him like that was worse than feeling it. It was worse because I have always seen him so strong, so invincible. I felt intense urge to comfort him. I sat closer to him and put my hand on his fist. He was shaking and he closed his eyes. It would absolutely stupid to simple ask him why he is feeling like this, because I knew it was some immense pain. I tried to think about the right question.  
“A couple of months ago I almost died, no, I should have died” He told me at a low voice.  
“Dean” I said softly. I didn’t like when somebody talked about their own that in that way. It’s not like I heard lots of people saying things like that, maybe only may father. I hated those sentences even more.  
“Just don’t start to say to not feel this way. You didn’t even hear the whole story” He snapped at me, but looked at me apologetically immediately. I looked at him pressing my lips together, but I couldn’t be angry with him.  
“Then tell me.” I asked him kindly when I looked back at his face. I subconsciously started stroking the back of his hand. After a second I realized what I did and my hand froze. On the contrary, Dean’s moved and he gripped my fingers when he started to talk.  
“We had an accident and I was injured the worst and I should be dead” His voice was shaking slightly. “There was a freaking reaper what came for me. My dad… He sold his soul for me. He is in Hell because of me. He made a deal with that damn demon and he died. And he is in Hell.” Dean spluttered as he looked at me achingly.  
“Dean” I mumbled his name.  
“He is in Hell, sweetheart, and it’s my fault.” He whispered helplessly. It’s not making any sense. He dead and what he asked me… I can’t… I could never do that.” With the last words his words were almost inaudible. “Then would literally nothing make sense.”  
“Dean” I looked at him again. I didn’t say sorry, because it seemed to be so much alike to the things I felt, at least for the first part. I felt the same about my dad’s death. The second part was something I didn’t understand. “Everything has some reason, always. It was his decision.” Saying this was terribly hypocrite because these were the same things I heard from Bobby a thousand times when he comforted me. And I never took them and I knew that this didn’t helps him either. He also noticed this unsureness.  
“Even you don’t believe what you say.” He looked at me fiercely. His green eyes were searching for mine if he could see the deepest parts of my soul looking in them. I looked away and nodded slowly. He was right, he was completely right. After a couple of seconds what felt like an eternity I looked at him.  
“No, but you still can…” I whispered looking pleadingly in his eyes. I bite on my lip to not to say out loud what I was thinking. I didn’t want to cause even more pain to him and I wasn’t sure he would be happy to hear them.  
“You agonize yourself but you don’t want to me do the very same thing?” He laughed humourlessly, full of pain and disbelief. He looked at me with curiosity and respect.  
“Others don’t have to suffer, if I do. God, I don’t want anyone to suffer. Especially you, Dean. You are…” I babbled. “Ever since I can remember I respected you, I looked up on you. How you took care of Sam, as a little kid, when you wanted to do anything but that and…”  
“I didn’t want to do it so many times, but it… but he was my responsibility. My most important duty was to take care about my little brother” He told me this painfully, so hopelessly and I didn’t understand why. I sat even closer to him, our arms touched. 

We must hold onto our faith in each other  
Gotta still believe in each other 

“You were a great little boy” I chuckled suddenly smiling at him. “Do you remember those times when they left us alone when they worked together? There was one time when you were eight and I was six, I think. After that I believe they always has seconds thought about leaving us for ourselves.  
“That was the time I started to become really headstrong. I told you a couple of unpleasant things.” His mouth curled up looking at me. His eyes were still sad, but at least he smiled.  
“You simple said to me that I can’t do anything because I’m a girl.” I continued, trying to keep myself from laughing.  
“Then you showed what you can do. I think I got one of my more severe punishments” He accused me playfully.  
“It’s not like I wasn’t called to account” I shrugged and he started to laugh. I forgotten how much I loved his laugh, I believe it didn’t change.  
“Silly girl” He shook his head and his voice was gentle, loving. “Although if you still have that one hell of a right hook, I don’t want to anger you.”  
“But we have already made peace back then too when they arrived. Of course, we couldn’t disguise your black-eye or my bruised lip.” I was grinning wildly at him. “We got like the biggest scolding a child can imagine.” I finished shaking my head.  
I couldn’t hold back my laugh more. For a spilt second some careless happiness washed over me, but something suddenly crossed my mind. The real reason of our talk. His pain, my pain, the things happened to us. The fact that he was tormenting himself about what happened. Even tough John could think through what he was doing. My father couldn’t. It was a split second: my life or his, my death or his. And I didn’t even realize when he choose. My life, his death. 

I didn’t know how long I was silent when Dean touched my face.  
“Sweetheart” he breathed as he looked deeply in my eyes. My heart stared to beat faster when he touched me. This was so ironic, I could face any kind of monster, but that time I was bloody terrified. I breathed in sharply and my lips parted. He caressed my cheek and at his touch faint shiver went through me. He stroked the line of my jaw, my face and my neck and he looked at me almost asking for permission. Asking for permission? I didn’t believe it was so typical for Dean. I sighed at smiled at him. He leaned forward, I felt his warm breath on my face, my mouth. I bite on my lip and almost literally stared at his mouth. Did he play with me?  
“You don’t think this seriously!” I laughed slightly annoyed. Dean smiled me slightly and shook his head.  
“You are amazing.” He whispered smirking cockily. One of his hands slid on my waist and he pulled me into his lap. After that he kissed me at last. When his lip touched mine, I felt like something exploded in me, heat flushed over me. I put my arm around his neck instinctively and I draw near to him. For this his reaction was innate as well. He pressed his palm on the middle of my back and every inch of me was burning with that cold-hot feeling what I have never experienced. The desire was familiar but this was so different like the others. If I felt him with my soul too, not only with my body. And that terrified me. I was shaking and for a second I thought about pulling away. But his arm was tightly around my waist and every fibre of my body craved his touch. We broke the kiss gasping for air, but his face was still close to mine. I smiled at him weakly. When I kissed his jaw, it was his turn to smile with slight doubt. He kissed me again, still mindwreakingly slow, but faster and wilder. His grip tightened around my waist. He pulled me to him, and I pulled him to me like we wanted to become one. He touched me again and again and again. His fingers lingered over my waist, my back, my shoulders. His hand slipped under my shirt and I shivered. The air was cold, but I could only feel the heat. What I felt was almost unbelievable.  
“I want it… want you so much, but if you don’t…” he breathed somewhere near to my ear his voice was husky. He kissed my neck again and again, and that warm feeling washed over me again. I doubted that anyone would say no to him, if he asked that very question.  
“Hush” I whispered. “I want it, too.” My voice was almost inaudible at the end because he ran over his finger on my back. I shivered again and I draw nearer to his chest if it was even possible.  
“You are amazing.” He mumbled into my ear when he picked me up easily in bridal style. He did not stop planting small kisses on my skin.

It wasn’t full five minutes when we lied on the hard bed of the motel room. His coat was on one of the chairs, my jacket was only dropped on the table.  
Dean stroked on the line of my collarbone and the soft fervour lighted up in my stomach.  
“You still can back down.” He whispered but his voice was full of desire. His touch was gentle and passionate at the same time.  
“I don’t want.” I shook my head with a sweet smile and hugged his neck to pull him down for a kiss. “I would never back down.” I breathed on his lips. Maybe I didn’t dream it this way a long, long time ago, but at that time I couldn’t imagine more beautiful…

It's ok to feel weak  
It's ok to fall down  
It's ok to lose sight  
But we gotta believe and stand together. 

When I saw them next to the Impala, I speeded my footsteps. I glanced down when Dean looked at me. He seemed mischievous leaning to the car. Things like this never used to embarrass me, but the last night was so much more intimate, familiar than any previous in my life. The older Winchester batted his eyes, too and greet me with his usual cheeky smile. Warmth washed over me, real hotness, something I have never felt. Sam frowned, sighed tiredly and mumbled something about us being unbelievable.  
“Get in” Dean motioned towards me, I nodded and I took the backseat.  
“Now, we will see what you can do” He grinned and I had to laugh. I slid to the middle and with pretended resentment I smacked his shoulder. “Okay, okay” He shook his head laughing.

If I had to say the truth, I wasn’t the biggest fan of these types of works, especially not alone. If there is a body, it couldn’t be easier. Search it, dig it, salt it, burn it. If there is no body, well it’s a complete different case. Maybe the ghost’s victim choice was what I had no plate for. I was not particularly afraid, I was not afraid for myself really long ago. I was worried about Dean, because I know that he was suffering, he blamed himself. I pressed my lips together, I hated this situation, I was worried more than usual.  
“Hey, we arrived” Dean touched my hand and smiled. I looked in his eyes and hesitated. He pretended that he was completely fine, he pretended that there was nothing wrong. He behaved like everything was perfect I felt that he knew that this was dangerous, very-very dangerous.  
“Catch it!” Sam threw a gun towards me, I caught it with ease and grinned at him. I looked at the brothers and felt myself unnecessary, they were alone all their life, just the two of them. This feeling only went away when Dean touched my shoulder and caressed my arm.  
“If we are done…” He murmured to my ears, his voice made my shiver. This guy knew what he does, that’s for sure! But I knew this was not just playing, not just lust. I knew what he was thinking. I knew, because I felt the same. The relief, the solace I felt with him. The night free from terrors, the calm sleep in the arms of the other. I closed my eyes and recalled the feeling: lying beside Dean, listening his heartbeats, breathing the same time. He played with my hair and I caressed his arm when we fall asleep. I didn’t sleep that well for years. I wanted so much that feeling, that calm. I wanted it so badly it hurt because I felt safe in his arms. I felt safe. I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I felt safe. 

“Let’s go!” Sam tried to sound reassuring, but he didn’t really manage it. I was shaking a little. It was just work. We had to search the ghost’s little boy’s teddy bear and burn it. That’s all. It didn’t sound so hard. And if the ghost’s targets would have been adulterers or men in their fifties, it would have been much easier. On the other hand, if we were between the potential victims, that made everything so difficult. 

The floor crackled and this was the only sound I hated, even though it was a characteristic of old houses. Thousands of memories could have come to me, I worked in dozens of old building. But I learnt everything brings back strong memories. It could be nice or terrible. These noises called forth the worst memories of my life. Damn it! I couldn’t think of that. No, Hell, no, no, no! But I couldn’t stop myself, my past, the worst part of it, that I could never forget. If I weren’t a stupid slip of a girl, my father would be alive. It wasn’t an excuse that I was fourteen, I was unexperienced, it was never a loophole out of responsibility, that I didn’t know what could happen. Not even one of those is an excuse… 

That was the second time when he took me hunting. The first time wasn’t that good either, that bloody thing escaped, but at least no one was injured. The second time was worse, so much worse. I couldn’t remember better, even if it would happen right know. It was a hot, summer day, the night was warm, too. I had the same dressing habits. I wore a black, tight shirt and a light farmer jacket. I was stupid enough to think, that I would be easy. I didn’t know why I thought that, but I was sure and maybe that was the biggest problem. We found it in a small house in the suburbs. It possessed an eight-year-old little boy. I had doubts for a second, it was just a kid, not strong enough to survive the exorcism. I knew, I knew what I had to do, but I had second thoughts. I came around for a split second, I felt pain in every inch of my body, the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, something warm on my arms. But I couldn’t escape the memory. I remembered when the kid’s eyes turned pitch-black and the demon laughed. It laughed, it laughed and it and it threw me to the wall. It didn’t hurt that much, but I was dizzy and I my ears were ringing. The next second I felt fingers on my throat. I had a bottle with holly water, but I couldn’t pour it on the demon. Black spots danced in front of my eyes and I couldn’t breathe. My lungs were burning and I couldn’t do anything. I tried to escape, but I couldn’t. That was the point when my father stopped it, when no weapon helped, when the holly water didn’t help. The demon was strong and my father made a deal. His life for mine. IT knew my father and it loved the deal, it was a great deal, a strong hunter for a stupid teenage girl…

That didn’t happen this way!

That didn’t happen this way. A voice, my own screamed in my head. Again, and again and again, trying to break through the fog. I tried to fight it, but everything I died was in vain. I fought, but it gripped my throat tighter and tighter. I was sure I was going to die when it stopped. It was a cold, evil laugh, it was a little kid and it was even more terrifying. But it was a little boy’s laugh, not a women’s. That was the second when a I realized that I was screaming and screaming and screaming. That was the point I felt the pain, there was a long, bleeding scar on both of my arms. Looking up, I saw the ghost. It didn’t look particularly different, but it was different. The most ghost only wanted to hurt me when I tried to kill them. But this was different, I was a victim. It wanted to kill me for the very same reason it killed other people. I was never a ghost’s victim before. I tried to escape the echo of my worst memory that wouldn’t let me go. It was just a second, but a terribly long second that I realized I was not alone. 

Dean! His shirt was bloody and he screamed in agony. I was terrified and that was the moment I realized I had to do something. I had to do something to help. I blinked and so the salt-filled gun next to the wall. I had to get there. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I stepped one shakily and an another one. I felt dizzier again and the false scene got a grip on me again. My father’s death wasn’t my fault. He died for me, not because of me and the two thing is completely different. It wasn’t my fault. I screamed at myself tried to believe it, I couldn’t think about that. I couldn’t be weak because we wouldn’t survive this. I had to do something to save Dean. It was just a few steps, but I slipped and for a moment I thought everything was lost. I didn’t know where I found the rest of my strength, but I found it. I thought I lost, but when I heard Dean my head was clear again. A clenched my teeth and after three other steps I reached the gun. It hurt so much to lift it up. It hurt so much to lock and load. But I managed it. I was almost unconscious when it came back, but I couldn’t move. I saw the fire under my closing eyelids. 

I have never been that much lightened like that time.

Time is short to live the life  
Don't give up, friend of mine 

My head was spinning and my lips were dry when I woke up. I needed several minutes for my memories to came back. I sit up abruptly and looked around. I believed I was in the boy’s motel room. I looked to the other bed where Dean was, he seemed to be unconscious. Before I could stand up, Sam showed up. I didn’t pay enough attention when I searched the room.  
“Hey, relax, take it easy. Keep still.” He gently forced me back to the bed. “You lost a lot of blood and hit your head hard, it would be better, if you...”  
“Dean?” I interrupted him quickly, maybe a little sharp, but I was worried. I couldn’t sit still, I could never sit still. I argued a lot about that with my father. But I was worried to much about Dean than to pay attention.  
“He will be alright as well.” He said and sighed. “It was a stupid idea to come here, I knew that that this is trying for Dean…” His voice was low. “That he only pretends… he behaves like…”  
“He behaves like nothing hurts him.” I whispered. Sam nodded and looked at me.  
“You could have said something.” He sounded a little reproving and his voice sounded like when I was a kid and I was lectured about my stupid mistakes. If I wanted to say the truth he was right, but I couldn’t say it out loud. But there was something I said.  
“It was years ago, I knew that it hurt, it hurt so much, but I thought I can overcome it.” I murmured guiltily.  
“You could win. That’s why the two of you are alive.” He laughed, but it lacked any happiness. I shrugged my shoulders, maybe that was right. Maybe, but I didn’t believe it. I wasn’t that strong, I wasn’t even that strong that I believed myself. Sam gently caressed my shoulder. We talked for some time, but it didn’t really make anything better.  
“Sleep a little, you have to rest. You can stay here, I can sleep in the fotel.” He smiled at me. “Thanks” I mumbled and lied back on the pillow. Sam must had been really tired, he had to get Dean and me back here because I heard him snore soon enough. 

I awakened by bed-springs creaking before I actually could fall asleep. I wasn’t in the best shape that’s for sure because I looked up uncomprehendingly.  
“I thought he never goes to sleep.” I heard Dean’s voice, I shook my head and laugh softly. At this moment he reminded me that little boy I get to know and that young men I flirted in that bar. “Give me some place.” He whispered, his breath tickling my skin and he lied beside me in the small bed.  
“Whatever you want.” I murmured. I must have looked really stupid because he smirked at me. There was something happy with the sad expression on his face.  
“I slept so well the last night.” He whispered, but in this sentence, there were no humour. His voice was so gentle and unmercifully honest. I smiled at him when he covered as with the blanket.  
“You are truly amazing!” He looked at me shaking his head and give a quick kiss on my lips. He hugged me gently and pulled next to him. I look at him questioningly and giggled into the pillow. And I was the amazing one!  
“Idiot.” I murmured leaning to his chest.  
“Silly.” He retorted grinning, but his smile quickly turned into sorrow. “You know, Sammy was right. You saved me. You were strong enough to fight it. And you were right too, I try to act like everything is alright, but not even one bloody thing is.”  
“Dean” I whispered his name stroking his face. “You can believe me. You don’t have to make anyone believe you are fearless. It is not a problem to feel pain, to fear something.” I tried to assure him. As I spoke he pushed his forehead against mine and did not say a single word. I saw that he was grateful. I saw that he looked at me the same thankfulness ad I looked at him. I want to…  
“Thank you” I whispered him almost inaudible.  
“What do you thank me?” He asked gently, little confused. He did wonder.  
“Just thank you” I repeated, but didn’t give any further explanation. I wasn’t sure myself. Dean smiled and kissed me again. It was a kiss that made me want more, but I knew that there could never be. It was silent promise, a begging for something special what could never happen. I felt that we won’t see each other again for a long time and when it happens nothing will be the same.  
“Sleep well, Ella” he murmured into my ear and I closed my eyes and let the warmth wash over me.  
“You too, Dean. You too.” I echoed, my voice was shaking.

That nigh was also full of sweet dreams, restful and special. But the morning was heart-breaking. I always hated saying goodbye, but I couldn’t leave without it. This was one of the reasons I stood in the door and just looked at him. The other reason was that I couldn’t escape from his arms without waking him up. I softly smiled at that, Dean, dear Dean. Maybe I didn’t even want it. I wondered what would like to stay… I didn’t know, just that it would be painful. That was my biggest sin, that I feared the pain so much. That I feared to love, feared to stay. That was my biggest sin, I thought I had my punishment.  
“Will we meet again?” Dean looked at me. I didn’t know what to answer. I couldn’t answer because I didn’t know what I want and what should I say. After a second it was him who whispered. “We will meet.”  
“Take care of yourselves, boys!” I said trying to give my voice some more cheerful tone. I didn’t succeed. “Especially you, Dean! Don’t do anything stupid.” I smiled at him, his answer was a look meaning something like When I’m doing stupid things? I laughed softly, maybe this was one of those things I cherished in him. I wanted to say something else, but I simply couldn’t.  
“You should be careful, too” Dean looked into my eyes and slowly kissed my forehead. He took a step backwards after a long and silent second and I suddenly felt cold. His piercing green eyes captured mine and it was extremely hard to make myself leave. 

Strength to rise one more time  
Could you stand? Could you stand? 

It could have been weeks or months, not just that couple of days, but I felt the passing time like eternity. I listened to the music coming from the radio and hummed softly. It was easier to be lost in the music, to feel the pain that way. It was easier then saying out loud. It was easier to listen the guilt, the pain in the sing then to feel it. And if coming to the emotions, I always choose the easier way. Maybe that’s the reason I didn’t stay. Not because I had something to do, not because I didn’t want to stay. I was terrified of feeling the pain again. I was terrified that I couldn’t survive losing someone else I loved so deep, so strong I could love Dean. I knew I could love him truly, deeply and so madly, maybe that’s was the reason I wasn’t sure I wanted to see him again or not. That was my biggest dream and my worst nightmare, because I knew I would be lost: forever and irreversibly. 

I almost heard again that sentence from so long ago, from the bar. They will break each other. 

Maybe that happened. We broke each other, wildly and as sweet as possible.


End file.
